I feel like a ringing phone... (a retropost)

I’m sitting here and I have no idea what time it is and I really mean it. I don’t know the time, I don’t know the date, I don’t know the day. I exist at this very moment outside of the space-time continuum. I guess this is fitting as now I feel blessed with an exceptional moment of clarity, a real state of self-reflexivity. I am a ringing phone.

*Ring*

*Ring Ring*

You hear that? That’s me waiting to be answered. I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m waiting for something, you know, some great purpose that I am on the verge of fulfilling. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m not doing anything right now (in the “grand-scheme-of-things” kinda’ way) and barreling towards nowhere at a startling rate. How fast is startling? Well let me alleviate you wonder by telling you this:

I have resorted to scaring my roommate’s fish.

Yes, that is correct. So I’m sitting around the house feeling the unmistakably insecure twang of loneliness and I go perusing through peoples rooms (they are out at school after all so their rooms are free game) and I happen upon my roommate’s fish. These fish being very tiny and very new haven’t gotten used to people looking into the tank so naturally when someone comes close to the tank they flee. The sheer sense of malevolence is enough to bring me to climax. To know that I can strike fear into their little aquatic hearts is enough to vindicate my static existence.

Man… if this isn’t the bottom I must be pretty damn close. If my life were a movie the poster would look something like this.

--

Chris Laver and the Tiny Fish in…

THE FEAR OF GOD

[poorly rendered CG pic]

“**1/2”

“An unintentionally sad tale of a boy with too much time on his hands”

“Mediocrity at its best”

Now playing all day everyday for the rest of his life.

--

I’ve already been banned from Cannes and I hear even Toronto won’t pick me up. Honestly. You know it’s a sad state of affairs when even the Toronto International Film Festival won’t include you in their line up. So the phone continues to ring and I continue to live my life in the make believe world of RPG videogames. Its gotten to the point where I can perceive the real world around me to be the video game and the videogame to be real. What-the-fuck-ever, I could care less. I am happy. I’m 21 and can stand to spend a few years doing nothing, what’s the hurry? Besides, if I were actually doing something with my life who would provide such wittingly jaded entertainment? That’s right, no one. I guess that’s gotta’ count as some sort of purpose.

Now if you’ll excuse me this has taken up far too much of my time. I’m going to go save the galaxy…

*Ring*

Editors note: At the time of posting it should be noted that the fish no longer fear my empty threats of destruction. You can't win them all.