And Then There Was The Time I Almost Killed Someone With My Radio

"We will give 10 thousand dollars to anyone who can bring us Brad Pitt." This is what my radio told me today on the drive home.

Upon hearing this my first thoughts were of course, "Hmm, an old fashioned bounty collection, interesting. Maybe I could get in on this, I've always wanted to hunt and track a human being." My reason following shortly behind my ambition, it occured to me that this wasn't your standard - "We will give 10 thousand dollars to anyone who can bring us the outlaw Jesse James*" - kind of bounty. In fact, this was a stunt by one of the 90-something radio stations to bring in Brad Pitt. Seriously? Seriously. I rolled my eyes with mild disgust. This is what the radio station should have advertised:

"If you are dumb enough, yet unwittingly manage to get Brad Pitt down to our station, without getting yourself, or us, sued in the process we will give you 10 thousand dollars! You can even tie him up and throw him in a burlap sack! We just want him to plug our radiostation!"

This is what our society is degenerating into. The only thing worse than the sick over-commodification and over-valuing of celebrity is what's implied on everyone who isn't a celebrity. If you are not a celebrity you might as well be crunched on.

Of course, it didn't end there...

"What would be even better is if you can bring down Angelina Jolie too! We'll give you 20, 000 dollars for that!"

The moment those words came out of the speaker something inside me broke. Up was down, down was up. These people were too serious. These people had to die. I squeezed the steering wheel so hard my fists turned white. I was determined, now more than ever, to put an end to trash radio. With rage giving me the strength of ten men I plunged my fingers deep into the dash of my car and began to pull out my stereo. It would be only fitting that my car stereo be the tool of their demise. But just before all the wires had been pulled out one last part of the transmision - which ironically enough would be their saving grace - came across.

"Oh! And if you can bring in Jennifer Annisto-"

Cast further into a blinding maniacal rage, in a last ditch effort my psyche took control of my body and changed the radio station. Afterwards, it proceeded to block the radio's frequency from memory. In short, I mashed the buttons on the radio. I believe it to have been some sort of self-presservation mechanism to prevent myself from being forever lost to the throws of madness, and to prevent the death of millions.

That was how I almost killed someone with my radio.


The Moral of This Story

Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of celebrity more than most. However, this does not mean that whorring oneself, or anyone else, is an acceptable way of getting or treating celebrity. Further, we are all of the same inherent worth. This means that everyone should be privy to respect (and self-respect) that they deserve.

A Final Message For [insert 90-something station here]

For the love of all that is good and right, show some dignity and self-respect, you filthy plebians!

*I am painfully aware that I, unwittingly, plugged the new Brad Pitt movie.